Part of good mental health requires having people in our lives with whom we can connect, share and engage in in-depth conversations.
This is not like talks we may have with acquaintances for example. In this case the conversation is more likely to be light and often each party merely recites recent events or transmits necessary information. This is “facebook” interaction. Go for “champagne” instead of “diet soda” in your interactions.
Conversation is the “champagne.” With real conversation there is both sharing and listening. There is acknowledgement of what was shared before moving on to another subject. Statements may be made, but also questions are asked. Both participants are curious about the other. There is reduced or little expectation about what the other will say. This is because the more you know someone the more there is to know. People have depth. People change. They can and do surprise us.
God speaks to us through the thoughtful voice of others in our lives. How can we know when God is speaking? Consider the fruits. Did it surprise you? Does it bring out the best in you? Did it stretch you beyond your comfort zone? Those are cues that the Spirit is at work. God is in relationships.
Mature personal growth and development requires people in our lives whom we trust and with whom we can have thoughtful conversations. We need to share. We need to feel heard. We need to listen and remember.
Limit or eliminate relationships that don’t do this. Especially minimize relationships where you aren’t heard, the talk is negative or only one-way. Interractions like these sap your energy and joy. Overtime they are soul-killing.
Instead, fill your life with fabulous. Build relationships into your life that engage you in deeper conversation. It’s mutual. It’s memorable. It’s enriching, energizing and life-changing.
People who live in the Twin Cities often take at least one summer day to visit city of Duluth with its working port on Lake Superior. Often this is a very hot day in the Twin Cities because Duluth has its own “micro climate.” In our case it was in the 80s when we left. However, when we arrived in Duluth it was 45 degrees, but felt like 36 with the windchill (wait, windchill? in June???). We layered on extra clothes and enjoyed the day.
We saw the bridge and the lighthouse. Of course we stopped at the historic Grandma’s Restaurant (previously a saloon and house of ill repute in the 1890’s), we saw the port with a ship in dock. Come with me now and you can take a quick virtual trip too.
Photo R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. MesharPhoto R. Meshar
To see a really spectacular picture of Duluth’s lighthouse (taken by DH) go here.
Have you ever suffered from the Cinderella Syndrome? You might know it by its other name, Over Functioning. This is a syndrome I know well.
I’ve always wondered, why didn’t Cinderella simply leave? If she could take care of herself and three other adults (stepmother and two stepsisters) then she could certainly live on her own and take care of only herself. Also, if she was old enough to marry a prince then wasn’t she old enough to leave a toxic stepmother and stepsisters?
Unfortunately, unlike the movie, living the Cinderella Syndrome will not result in a prince who will come and carry you off to a castle in the clouds. So abandon the Cinderella Syndrome. Instead create a better life for yourself with more peace, joy and happiness.
On one level, the Cinderella Syndrome often persists as a holdover from a childhood where you are loved because of what you do rather than who you are. Actually, this kind of love isn’t love at all because by definition, “love” is unconditional, therefore not dependent on what you do. Doing more will not make others love you more. As adults we need to realize that our love and valuation of ourselves has to come from deep within – not from others. If you didn’t receive approval as a child (a form of emotional abuse) sometimes this takes awhile to figure out.
On another level, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of over functioning. Moms can easily succumb to this. For example, if you find yourself making lunches for children who are more than capable of making their own lunches, or doing all the grocery shopping, laundry, care-taking, social arranging, gift giving and meal preparation you may be suffering from the Cinderella Syndrome.
Our “I’m busy” culture also promotes the Cinderella Syndrome. Employees can suffer from this syndrome too as can adult children of aging parents. If you chronically feel under-appreciated (a maid living in the cinders) then you are definitely suffering from the Cinderella Syndrome.
So how do you recover from it? By stepping back and re-evaluating. If you are married or living with someone re-negotiate how your household will run and how chores and childcare will be shared. Take time to consider what your needs are and what you are willing to do. Know what changes will be necessary for you. Two healthy adults should share chores in a way that is mutual and comfortable for both over time. Even if one parent works at home, childcare and household chores are the responsibility of both parents.
If you are experiencing the Cinderella Syndrome in a relationship at work, or elsewhere in your life, the same process needs to happen. Evaluate what is comfortable for you. Then start with direct communication and negotiation including a time frame for change.
If things don’t change after awhile, then ultimately you need to consider if you want to participate in a relationship where your needs aren’t considered important. Protect yourself first. Get counseling. Learn coping skills. Healthy adult relationships require mutuality.
Lastly, if you are over functioning for other adults – stop. Adults do not take care of other adults, nor do they worry about the choices or decisions other adults make. This is true whether they are adult siblings, parents or adult children.
It’s possible that others will become upset or angry when you stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. On the other hand, we are not responsible for others’ feelings of anger nor can we bring their happiness. We can only be responsible for our own joy and happiness. Offer a relationship of mutuality to others instead. If they accept, wonderful. If not, that is their choice.
Our responsibility to ourselves is to act in a way that honors who we are. Seek to build healthy relationships of mutuality with everyone around you.
A life without worrying about other adults, with honest relationships of giving and receiving, while doing that which brings you happiness, is the way to grow peace in your heart and joy in your life.
In the end, living a Cinderella Syndrome life isn’t really living.
Have you ever been to a picnic operetta? I hadn’t until today. What a great idea. On a late summer afternoon – gather actors, musicians, chefs and spectators together in a ready-to-harvest community garden. Provide picnic blankets for seating. Perform the operetta and pass delicious tidbits to enjoy while viewing the performance.
Photo MixedPrecipitation.org
The costumes and props were colorful, dynamic and creative as was the talent. Here’s the write-up from their website, Mixed Precipitation:
Alcina’s Island:
A Picnic Operetta
August 20 – October 1, 2011
This Alcina is rowdy and delicious!
In our colorful re-imagining of George Frideric Handel’s 1735 opera Alcina, the garden becomes a truck stop on the American highway. Scheming sorceresses Alcina and Morgana become truck stop waitresses, luring brave truckers astray. We combine Handel’s early baroque with outlaw country, trucker songs and classic old-time music.
Handel’s opera — based on Ariosto’s epic poem Orlando furious — features monsters, magic spells, rings of invisibility and a flying hippogriff. And, of course, the glory of love and music conquers all!
The magic of this island will be all the more savory, with Chef Nick Schneider’s five course sampling menu of locally sourced treats created especially for this performance.
The chefs’ tidbits were pretty amazing too. We sampled pickled ramps, skewered zucchini jerky and juicy watermelon cubes with salty/spicy centers, among other things. Everything was created from local, in season, ingredients.
Check their website for a schedule of Twin Cities performances and treat yourself! Do plan to contribute a well-deserved donation after the performance.
