by Roxanne -

InnerPeace – Ending Emotional Abuse

Photo R. Meshar

Thanksgiving weekend is friends and family time. Unfortunately for many, it is also put-up-with-emotional-abuse time. Most of us are aware of the signs of physical abuse but we often forget that the scars from emotional abuse, while invisible, can be much deeper and longer lasting.

What is emotional abuse? I went to Domestic Violence: The Facts for a list of behaviors (but not inclusive) that fall under the category of being abusive:

“Destructive Criticism/Verbal Attacks: Name-calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures.

Pressure Tactics: Rushing you to make decisions through “guilt-tripping” and other forms of intimidation; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what to do.

Abusing Authority: Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are “the truth”); bossing you around; making big decisions; using “logic.”

Disrespect: Interrupting; changing topics ; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family.

Abusing Trust: Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous.

Breaking Promises: Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with child care or housework.

Emotional Withholding: Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights, or opinions.

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming: Making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn’t happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it.”

If you experience any of these behaviors from people you are expected to spend time with during the holidays or anyone in your life – consider minimizing or eliminating time with this person(s). If the person is your spouse or someone that you must deal with every day go to counseling to gain clarity and coping skills.

No one should have to put up with abuse in any form. Emotional abuse is emotional terrorism.

This Thanksgiving, be grateful for the supportive and healthy relationships in your life, trust yourself and be thankful for the Wisdom present in your own heart.

You may also like Celebration of Family, Irish Heritage and Don’t Worry – Be Happy.

 

by Roxanne -

Science and Religion

Click the link and listen to a short program from NPR’s Morning Edition, “Evangelicals Question the Existence of Adam and Eve” to see what happens when a modern, literal interpretation of sacred scripture is the only interpretation used. Interpreting biblical scripture, especially Genesis, as literal (meaning it actually happened just as written) requires one to abandon any ethical, moral and scientific integrity. More and more evangelical scholars are realizing this and questioning the purpose of a literal interpretation.

Just open any bible. Start with the very first book, Genesis. In reading the book of Genesis the reader encounters an immediate problem – there are two stories, two versions of Genesis – Chapter 1 and 2. These stories are not only different, they conflict. In the first story God brings forth all of creation, then creates human beings. In the second story, an older story, humans are created first and then God manifests the rest of creation in order that they will not be lonely.  Which story is correct if a literal interpretation is all that is used?

The conflicting stories in Genesis is our first hint that these stories were not written to be a literal, historical video of the event. Rather, like the rest of the bible, myth, symbol, poetry, lament, narrative and historical memory create a tapestry – much like a painting. It is our job to locate God’s story within this recounting and to see the emerging themes of love, generativity, forgiveness and reconciliation. These stories tell us something about who God is for us and what God is like.

Using a literal interpretation – which is a very modern development – reduces all the depth and richness of this story to a recitation of facts. It is a flat, reductionist understanding of God and the relationship God has with us and with all of creation.

Nevertheless, one literal evangelical scholar protested that if Adam and Eve didn’t actually exist, then Jesus’ reason for dying on a cross to remove the sin of Adam – as St. Paul claims – is no longer valid. But truly, if God required Jesus to die a torturous death in order to redeem us, then that is a pretty small and vengeful god. Surely God can redeem anyone without requiring that someone suffer torture.

Jesus didn’t come to die, although he was willing to take that risk. Rather, Jesus came to teach us how to live – with each other in a way that is just and provides for all. But that’s a message we don’t want to hear. Religious authorities in Jesus’ time didn’t want to hear it either. In fact they killed him because of the inherent, subversive nature of this message. Others, even in our own time (Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, for example), have been killed for standing up for this very same message.

Of course, the trumped up “science vs. religion” conundrum all boils down to this; if you want to place human beings at the top of Aristotle’s Greek philosophical hierarchy of creation, thereby justifying laying waste to the environment and other creatures by virtue of divine decree – a literal interpretation will work very nicely, thank you.

Science and our own experience tells us that reality, including us, is an interconnected, interdependent web. To hurt one part of the web is to injure the entire web. A very catholic idea. How we speak about things is important in determining how we understand reality.

Always ask, “Who benefits and who is disadvantaged when one interpretation is chosen over others?”

You may also like Power of Framing, Fundamentalism is Fatal and Traditions, Teachings and Changes.

 

by Roxanne -

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

As it happens I have another interesting book to share with you – The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake: A Novel. Author Aimee Bender explores the intriguing idea of the main character, Rose, being able to taste the emotions of someone else in the food they prepare.

Ultimately, isn’t this a skill that we all need to have – to be able to feel another’s emotions as if they were our own? Isn’t this what it means to be compassionate?

This reviewer explains the story well –

“If I had been asked to rate this novel on the basis of the first fifty pages, I might have given it 3 stars; however, Bender is so expert at building emotions through her fairy-tale magic realism that, after I read the final words, I sighed with pleasure at a story well-told. Narrator Rose is burdened with a terrible “gift.” She can taste the emotions of the cook in every bite she eats, whether that cook is her depressed mother or a rushed restaurant chef or the person who grew the herbs. When Rose tastes the bitterness and betrayals in her parents’ marriage, she finds herself on her knees in gratitude for the school vending machine and its array of impersonally processed junk food. Her brother Joseph has a problem as well; he wants nothing more than to be left alone, to be divorced from the dysfunctional family, to disappear from the restrictions of his life. The two understand each other only as siblings can, even though they refuse to accept, at least at first, the peculiarities of the other. It takes George, Joseph’s brilliant friend, to release both of them, albeit in different ways.” Debbie Lee Wesselmann, May, 2010.

I liked this novel because again, it provides another way to view reality that is transformative for the reader. See if this is true for you too.

You may also like The Boy Who Harnassed the Wind, and Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life.

by Roxanne -

InnerPeace – Healthy Self-Talk

Photo R. Meshar

Most of us monitor what movies or TV shows we are willing to watch. Certainly, if we are parents, we are responsible for monitoring what our children view. We want to watch shows of high quality, for example. We may also want to limit our viewing to shows that are morally uplifting, teach us something or expand our worldview.

But what about the show playing inside of our own heads? Do you ever consider your own self-talk? Self-talk is the running conversation that is happening in the brains of most of us at any given moment. Our minds continuously play a conversation or chatter, if you will. It may abate or slow down when we are meditating but usually it will resume the minute we stop.

Like the shows we watch, we have control over what our minds dwell on or think about. What goes on within our own minds is even more important than what we put into our minds. Good mental health requires that we monitor our self-talk in ways that are positive and beneficial to us.

The Mayo Clinic offers an excellent definition of healthy self-talk: what you say to yourself should be no different than what you would be willing to say to someone else. In other words, we should be at least as kind to ourselves as we would be to someone else.

Regardless what has happened to us in our lives, we have a responsibility to heal ourselves. Healthy self-talk habits are no different than other habits we discipline ourselves to do. We do laundry, cook, clean, and participate in other activities because we have created habits of living over time. Creating good thinking habits is no different.

However, if you experience intrusive thoughts that won’t diminish over time you may be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Consult a therapist or psychologist for diagnosis and the many new ways of healing this disorder.

But otherwise, one habit or technique helpful to creating more positive self-talk is to start with gratitude and non-discursive prayer or meditation – and a reminder that nothing is ever wasted, no matter how painful or messy it seems at the moment.

What about you? What positive self-talk habits to you employ?

You may also like Only Peace Brings Peace, Let’s Play and Irish Heritage.