Do you ever find yourself replaying a conversation you had with someone? Replaying conversations is often a symptom of interacting with an addict, manipulator or narcissist – especially if it only happens with certain people in your life.
Often, you may be trying to figure out what didn’t sit right in the conversation. The answer is – plenty – because conversations with addicts and narcissists don’t make any sense. You may not recognize their faulty logic immediately. It may not be apparent to you until after you are out of the emotional grip of the person. But later on you may realize that the words and actions of the person weren’t consistent, the “logic” was in fact illogical or the overtone was subtly (maybe overtly) sarcastic, angry or demeaning.
Another possibility the conversation seems unfinished or not quite right is that you may not have felt heard. And this is probably true. Active addicts, like narcissists, are extremely self-centered. They don’t respond appropriately to what others say, nor do they acknowledge what was said. Certainly they don’t ask the questions that are part of a normal conversation. They tend to talk in statements and make demands.
So the next time you find yourself replaying a conversation – stop. Consider that it isn’t you that missed something, rather something is amiss with the other person. If the pattern continues reassess how much time you spend with this person and minimize or eliminate your time with them as appropriate.
As someone who reads more theology and books on spirituality than the average person – it’s wonderful to be able to hold up extraordinary books in this area. Especially since there is so much in bookstores that isn’t very good.
Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life by Karen Maezen Miller (New World Library, 2010) is about as deeply spiritual as you can get. Miller is a seasoned, spiritual writer in the Buddhist tradition who understands that “your life is your monastery” – a phrase from the book that I loved and remembered. It sums up her understanding of life.
If you have ever thought that it was necessary to get away to another world, maybe a monastery, in order to deepen your spiritual life – reconsider that idea. In a world where most theology and spiritual writing has been done by men in religious life, Miller uses real, ordinary life, even laundry – something most women know well – to lift up the transcendence of our existence found right in the most ordinary aspects of our everyday lives.
Just consider her chapter titles – Toughest Stains: Getting Out the Traces of Self or Spin Cycle: Changing the Ending. I smiled just reading them!
“Ever found yourself up to your elbows in the messy stuff of your own everyday life and wondered, ‘Is this all there is?’ Karen Maezen Miller answers that age-old question with a resounding ‘Yes.’ Read this deceptively simple, deeply wise little book not to change your life but to fall quietly, unequivocally back in love with the life you already have.”
— Katrina Kenison, author of The Gift of an Ordinary Day
Yes, this is it exactly – “fall . . . in love with the life you already have.” Miller writes clearly and with insight. This is a book you will want to reread and then give to someone else, as I did.
Our spiritual lives are not separate from our secular or everyday lives – rather our deepest spiritual life is present exactly in the midst of our daily life. It is we who are not present to the transcendent always with us.
The question is, “How do we become present to the sacred?” Miller’s Hand Wash Cold is a delightful guide.
Our U.S., single-family-home lifestyle is not the only choice we have. In other times and places people figured out other ways to live peacefully, thoughtfully and in harmony with each other and with the land.
This is important to consider in light of the foreclosure crisis, the medical insurance crisis, and rising unemployment and homelessness among families.
We do have other options for living comfortably, collaboratively and ecologically. Unrelated families can live together sharing one large home for example. Younger students can live with older, retired persons allowing the abilities and interractions of both to enrich everyone. Young adults may share a home and pool their resources allowing one or more to finish their education while the others work – then reciprocate the next year in an intentional living arrangement.
In centuries past, the Beguines were a group of Catholic women who figured out how to share and collaborate with work and living arrangements while allowing each woman her own space. This is a model that might be useful with our aging population today.
Here’s an exerpt from a fascinating article in Commonweal on Modern Day Beguines. Read the full article in the May 22, 2009 issue of Commonweal entitled “Simple Lives A NEW BEGINNING FOR THE BEGUINES?” by Jean Hughes Raber.
“Recent news stories highlighting a growing trend among single women to form intentional communities along spiritual or religious lines make one wonder: Are we seeing the rise of a third wave of the Beguines, a Catholic women’s movement that started in the late twelfth century?”
“There [are] many parallels between the Beguines then and women now-women building safety nets to assist each other, living lives that made sense with less economic burden on the individual, a common spiritual approach to everyday life, and the need for meaningful, purposeful work,” says Morgana Morgaine, a nurse in Asheville, North Carolina, who has studied the Beguines for the past twenty-five years and, with five other women, plans to create a Beguine-inspired community.
Morgaine is not alone. She hopes to tour medieval beguinages in Europe and to meet modern-day Beguines in Germany, who live in an estimated twenty-five communities accommodating retirees, widows, divorcees, and single mothers. Many of the women work outside the community at day jobs, share housekeeping duties, and perform charitable works such as volunteering in hospices, tutoring children, and sheltering victims of domestic violence. Like their medieval counterparts, they agree to live simply, and this includes not only curbing consumption but choosing “green” and fair-trade products.
Morgaine first heard about the Beguines in an Albuquerque quilt shop twenty-five years ago: “I somehow got into a conversation about [how] living communally made so much sense economically and socially. I was talking about the wasted energy and monies of supporting a single household and the joys of sharing lawn mowers and laundry, and having more people to support and be supported by.” It turns out the shopkeeper had lived in Belgium, one of the great medieval Beguine centers, and recommended that Morgaine look into their history.
. . . Just as they responded so nimbly to social and economic forces in the twelfth century, the Beguines may offer a model well suited to the twenty-first. Again there are large numbers of single women facing life alone. Jobs are tight for younger women, and the costs of child care and fuel eat up a frighteningly large portion of their incomes. Baby Boom women approaching retirement are finding that their IRAs and 401(k)s won’t stretch as far as they’d hoped-and equity in their homes, another source of retirement income, is dwindling after the housing bust. Reductions in Medicare and the constant specter of Social Security cuts add to the economic uncertainty. And as women try to help elderly parents struggling to maintain the family home that has become burdensome and isolating, a communal living arrangement seems more sensible, economically and socially.
But those aren’t the only reasons the Beguines look attractive now. The beguinage fed body and spirit, and today’s Beguines also want a robust spiritual life. What has changed in the intervening centuries, however, is that those who call themselves Beguines today are not strictly Catholic, but include Protestants and sometimes non-Christians. Beguine communities now, as in the Middle Ages, must develop worship that will accommodate all their members. A California group calling itself the American Beguines follows the tradition of Taizé. Morgaine’s group in Asheville also wants a common spiritual space but has not yet worked out any specific devotional practice.
Despite the ecumenism of third-wave Beguine communities, the Beguine movement remains, at its core, essentially Catholic, emphasizing worship, the works of mercy, simplicity, and antimaterialism. In a way, the first-wave Beguines have lived on as missionaries across the centuries, inspiring women today to uphold the dignity of women and encouraging them to respond to economic challenges with faith, hope, and courage.
Another week with beautiful, abundant and bright Farmers’ Market flowers!
There were also big bunches of lemon basil – really fragrant and only $1 for an armfull. I use it in tea, cooking, pesto and salads. I love the farmers’ market (sigh).
ESPERA Funds: A Better Idea for Solving the Problem of Poverty
Edica is a young mother in El Salvador barely making ends meet. She struggles daily to care for her children, feed them and send them to school. There are no jobs available in her village. She is determined and resourceful but, as in many countries, banks do not lend to women. What can she do? What would you do?
Micro-lending might be an option but that can be dangerous. You may have read about the recent problems uncovered in the micro-lending industry. Often the money actually goes to another lending institution, rather then to the individual pictured on the website. Or the interest charged might quickly become more than the value of the loan. Sometimes a woman applies for a loan that actually ends up in the hands of others – usually men – although the woman is legally responsible for the loan. These abuses hurt every organization working to end poverty through sustainable change.
After almost 25 years of granting and working with women in the Americas, Mary’s Pence, a faith based non-profit, decided there had to be a better way to help end the cycle of poverty. I know. As a board member of Mary’s Pence I watched and participated as month after month the women of Mary’s Pence collaborated to create a sustainable and local alternative. After months of strategic planning and collaboration ESPERA Funds were born.
Mary’s Pence ESPERA Funds (“she hopes” in Spanish) go to networks of women – not individuals. Together, using the power of community, women can share ideas. Each network is made up of a group of women who encourage and support each other in starting sustainable businesses right in their own communities.
ESPERA Funds are designed so decisions are made by local women creating local solutions. The women in the network are in the best place to determine which projects should be funded and the interest they need to charge for their lending pool (ESPERA Fund). Loans are repaid to the community fund so more new businesses can be started or the money can be loaned to another network. Successful projects are grounded in the community and serve the needs of the local village.
ESPERA Funds recently completed its first year. There are now four funds working in communities in Central America and Mexico. The results are exciting. When women do better children benefit, families are more secure and the entire community does better. With a reliable income Edica and women like her, can send their children to school instead of to work. For Edica, a sustainable income means that she can plan and save for her future.
Mary’s Pence ESPERA Funds are supported by donations from individual donors. There is no endowment fund or large grant to support this work. Mary’s Pence relies on social outreach, churches, women’s groups, faith groups and those they know to spread the word.
What can you do? Join me. Be part of the poverty solution. Consider learning more at www.maryspence.org, sign up for Mary’s Pence E-Newsletter, or make a donation. Become a Companeras by donating automatically each month. Better yet, volunteer to host a giving circle at your next book club or gathering – even dollars or change on hand makes a good donation.
Make a difference today. Just clickfunding women, changing lives.
