Do you ever find yourself replaying a conversation you had with someone? Replaying conversations is often a symptom of interacting with an addict, manipulator or narcissist – especially if it only happens with certain people in your life.
Often, you may be trying to figure out what didn’t sit right in the conversation. The answer is – plenty – because conversations with addicts and narcissists don’t make any sense. You may not recognize their faulty logic immediately. It may not be apparent to you until after you are out of the emotional grip of the person. But later on you may realize that the words and actions of the person weren’t consistent, the “logic” was in fact illogical or the overtone was subtly (maybe overtly) sarcastic, angry or demeaning.
Another possibility the conversation seems unfinished or not quite right is that you may not have felt heard. And this is probably true. Active addicts, like narcissists, are extremely self-centered. They don’t respond appropriately to what others say, nor do they acknowledge what was said. Certainly they don’t ask the questions that are part of a normal conversation. They tend to talk in statements and make demands.
So the next time you find yourself replaying a conversation – stop. Consider that it isn’t you that missed something, rather something is amiss with the other person. If the pattern continues reassess how much time you spend with this person and minimize or eliminate your time with them as appropriate.
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I had such a conversation with someone yesterday and I did not understand what had happened until I read your post. I presented this person with a packet and we exchanged a few words but I suddenly did not have anything to say and when I walked away from the scene I wondered why there was such a lack of connection between us. Obviously, I thought about what I did wrong and what I should have done better. After reading your post, I remembered that after this person said a quick “thank you” to me her first comment was about the packet and the next one was about herself. Although I did not know it at the time, I felt as if I was not present in the scene. In the past I would have stayed in the person’s presence and attended to the person’s needs but in this case, I ended the interaction quickly and moved away. I am proud of myself for moving away sooner than later and grateful to you for clarifying for me what was probably going on. I think this person made one too many statements that did not include me and I did not know how to proceed with the conversation. I would not call the person narcissistic right away but I am certainly going to be able to observe and analyze these kinds of interactions without taking full responsibility for what may be not have been my fault. Thank you Roxanne.
Good for you! Keep observing, watching, considering various interractions – and just like you did, observe how you feel on the inside. Nice work! Roxanne