Often we like to think that we are free. After all, if we are adults we can go where we want and do what we like. However, if you think about it, many things restrict our freedom. Lack of education or income, along with discrimination, gender and age can restrict our freedom just for a start. Illness, abuse or addictions may also be factors that restrict our ability to freely choose in our best interests. Cultural and family norms may also restrict the choices we see available.
When you think about it – anything that distracts us or prevents us from choosing in our own best interests and those of the common good (to which we are inter-related, inter-dependent and inter-connected) restricts our freedom.
We are not truly free until we are free to choose for our own health and well being and the well being of others.
Am I qualified to write a post on what it takes to live joyfully? Probably not any more so than others who also live joyfully. On the other hand, I certainly have seen the back side of this coin. Meanwhile, others have commented to me that I seem very joyful, happy and peaceful. Students have even written it on their course evaluations. So perhaps writing down a few of my observations is helpful.
Those of us who come out of physically or emotionally abusive families, usually have not learned the the healthy psychological habits of living joyfully. Just like learning to set healthy boundaries or only allowing healthy relationships into one’s life, living joyfully is a learned skill. The joy, of course, is within us – within each and every one of us. But it is a skill to learn how to allow that joy to emerge, allowing it to penetrate our everyday life and relationships.
Here some of the habits necessary for joyful living –
1. Take time to reflect and be grateful every day. Do not seek happiness in external things, situations, addictions or behaviors. If you are caught in addiction seek help.
2. Retrain ruminations and thoughts away from victimization, bitterness and resentment. Drinking thoughts like these is no different than drinking poison – and wondering why the other person doesn’t drop dead. Rather, retrain your mind to focus on the positive things in your day, in your life. Get help through therapy if you need it.
3. If you can’t find something positive – create something. Greet the cashier at the grocery store. Say a pleasant “hello” to someone on the street. Do something nice for yourself. The amount of positive energy in your life is dependent on the number of positive actions you are willing to take.
4. Create a network of healthy and supportive relationships. This is a minimal requirement to begin living joyfully. Without others who also live this way we do not have good models to emulate or the support we need to make difficult decisions and choices. Again, introspection, spiritual direction and therapy can be helpful here.
5. Once healthy relationships are in place, begin removing dysfunctional, abusive or unhealthy relationships from your life. Usually this last step will usually happen on its own. Oil and water will separate.
As adults only we can decide which relationships are life-giving for us. Accept relationships and situations for what they are – as they are. Decide what you are willing to tolerate and more importantly what you are not willing to tolerate. This is not about creating drama or ultimatums. It is about slowly, but surely, removing yourself from unhealthy situations. If positive change occurs you can always re-assess. Until then, healthy adults do not worry about other adults, neither do they take care of them, either financially, physically or emotionally.
To allow yourself to take care of another adult, or to allow yourself to be taken care of by another adult is not love – it is co-dependence, enabling and perhaps enmeshment. If other adults in your life need care, point them to resources to get the help they need. Real love desires that other adults have independence and freedom.
6. With your new-found freedom, healthy relationships and energy enjoy your new, joy-filled life!
Deep in the Pyrenees, we had been making our way through Catalan country all day. We were slowly moving toward Collioure, a small town on the coast of the Mediterranean near the Spanish border. The land was mountainous, rugged and beautiful.
At one point we stopped and visited with a women’s cooperative. They were creating beautiful, brightly colored mohair throws with ultra-soft wool from pygmy goats. The wool was hand washed, dyed and loom woven. We watched and talked as they worked in their stone studio. I purchased one in rich blue and purple hues which I still use today.
Late in the afternoon we came upon a restaurant snuggled into the hills. We were hungry, thirsty and tired. It was called the Les Cinq Feux or “Five Fires” Restaurant. Inside we could see why. There were five enormous fireplaces within this thick-walled, stone building – still standing since the middle ages. So many fireplaces meant that every table was next to a fireplace for dining. They served only one dish – cassoulet. This is a French country dish that takes at least three days to make. Beans, pork, duck, sausage and local herbs simmer to make this amazing dish. It is presented in a one-serving clay pot, bubbling hot. With a demi-bouteille of red, country wine it was the perfect end to our day.
Later on we arrived at our apartment in Collioure. Here, on the sea coast we would remain for nearly a week. With the long shadows of late afternoon, the street where we stayed looked like something from a fairy tale.
The end of this narrow street brought strollers directly to the water’s edge of this tiny, sea-faring town. The castle walls can be seen in the background.
We were shopping each day at the market in the Old City of Jerusalem. Wonderful figs, olives, pomegranates and fresh greens. It was colorful, noisy, hectic and total pandemonium with its narrow streets and numerous carts. I wandered around the stalls inspecting the spices, the fabrics, colors and smells. No zoning here. Fish next to pitas next to bras. I remembered that the fish stall had a large and prominent sign: “Don’t touch the fish” (in Hebrew). However, in the very next stall I watched while women pawed every pita in the bin before deciding which to purchase. Next to the pita stall were bras and women’s lingerie for sale. Hmmmm. Quite an assortment.
We came upon a shop of take-out restaurant for Iraqi food. The Iraqi food shop had large pots of steaming stews. I asked DH, “What kind of food is it?” He stopped for a moment, opened the lid of the pot where he stood, looked inside, replace the lid. “Brown” he replied.
Across the way I saw an intriguing assortment of something that looked, perhaps like cheeses. The owner offered a tray of bite-sized pieces. “What’s this?” I asked. “Try it and see!” DH responded. I did. WOW. This was unbelievably good. Kind of like heaven in a bite. I was in awe. What was this? I had never tasted anything like this! “It’s halva” DH informed me.
Immediately I tried a few flavors and we purchased two kinds to take with us. This stuff was bliss and it was addictive! Really delicious, melt-in-your-mouth sweetness. It’s made from sesame and honey – but flavored many ways with raspberry, almond, rose, chocolate, vanilla, caramel – you name it. See all the flavors displayed in the picture below.
Heaven on earth. For me, truly nectar of the gods. I can’t imagine life without experiencing halva.
Recently I went camping for a weekend up at Copper Falls National Park in northern Wisconsin. Sleeping on the ground in a tent is my rare chance to wake up, warm in a down sleeping bag and see this above my head in the morning –
A bit of rain later the first morning moved on.
Nights were cool, but the days were warmer and perfect for hours of hiking around the canyons, waterfalls and trails.
Evenings found us gathered around the fire for sharing, stories and food. Magnificent meals seemingly appeared out of nowhere. We ate curried chicken salad, roast beef wraps, peanutbutter chocolate bars, two kinds of bundt cake, steaming chili, corn bread, chicken pasta alfredo, crisp fresh salad, omelettes for breakfast along with Greek yogurt, granola, fruit and snacks. These women know how to eat well while they camp!
To the wonderful women of Spooner who gather every year – you are welcoming, inclusive and generous – inviting other women into this experience and extending your friendship. Thank you!
