Who do you want to be? Who do you hang out with? These are two interconnected and related questions. I have learned that if I want to be someone who is kind, inclusive, truthful, generous and compassionate, it is important to spend time with people who embody these virtues.
We need people in our lives who can demonstrate what kindness or compassion look like everyday. Spending time with others who are other-centered helps me to see the everyday choices that this involves. This gives me the opportunity to make similar choices.
Conversely, if I spend time with people who are self-centered, self-focused or interested in living a life of comfort, then I will begin to experience these dysfunctions as “normal.”
How do children learn to make choices? From watching the choices that adults close to them make. How do we learn? The same way. We learn by watching the choices made by those whom we admire.
Where to find people who embody virtuous choices? Volunteer at a homeless shelter or a non-profit near you. Chances are good you will meet other volunteers, homeless women and children and others struggling who demonstrate these virtues daily. Sometimes churches are good places too – though that’s not a guarantee.
Therefore, to become the person you want to be, think carefully about who you spend your time with. Who do you hang with?
Part of good mental health requires having people in our lives with whom we can connect, share and engage in in-depth conversations.
This is not like talks we may have with acquaintances for example. In this case the conversation is more likely to be light and often each party merely recites recent events or transmits necessary information. This is “facebook” interaction. Go for “champagne” instead of “diet soda” in your interactions.
Conversation is the “champagne.” With real conversation there is both sharing and listening. There is acknowledgement of what was shared before moving on to another subject. Statements may be made, but also questions are asked. Both participants are curious about the other. There is reduced or little expectation about what the other will say. This is because the more you know someone the more there is to know. People have depth. People change. They can and do surprise us.
God speaks to us through the thoughtful voice of others in our lives. How can we know when God is speaking? Consider the fruits. Did it surprise you? Does it bring out the best in you? Did it stretch you beyond your comfort zone? Those are cues that the Spirit is at work. God is in relationships.
Mature personal growth and development requires people in our lives whom we trust and with whom we can have thoughtful conversations. We need to share. We need to feel heard. We need to listen and remember.
Limit or eliminate relationships that don’t do this. Especially minimize relationships where you aren’t heard, the talk is negative or only one-way. Interractions like these sap your energy and joy. Overtime they are soul-killing.
Instead, fill your life with fabulous. Build relationships into your life that engage you in deeper conversation. It’s mutual. It’s memorable. It’s enriching, energizing and life-changing.
Have you ever suffered from the Cinderella Syndrome? You might know it by its other name, Over Functioning. This is a syndrome I know well.
I’ve always wondered, why didn’t Cinderella simply leave? If she could take care of herself and three other adults (stepmother and two stepsisters) then she could certainly live on her own and take care of only herself. Also, if she was old enough to marry a prince then wasn’t she old enough to leave a toxic stepmother and stepsisters?
Unfortunately, unlike the movie, living the Cinderella Syndrome will not result in a prince who will come and carry you off to a castle in the clouds. So abandon the Cinderella Syndrome. Instead create a better life for yourself with more peace, joy and happiness.
On one level, the Cinderella Syndrome often persists as a holdover from a childhood where you are loved because of what you do rather than who you are. Actually, this kind of love isn’t love at all because by definition, “love” is unconditional, therefore not dependent on what you do. Doing more will not make others love you more. As adults we need to realize that our love and valuation of ourselves has to come from deep within – not from others. If you didn’t receive approval as a child (a form of emotional abuse) sometimes this takes awhile to figure out.
On another level, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of over functioning. Moms can easily succumb to this. For example, if you find yourself making lunches for children who are more than capable of making their own lunches, or doing all the grocery shopping, laundry, care-taking, social arranging, gift giving and meal preparation you may be suffering from the Cinderella Syndrome.
Our “I’m busy” culture also promotes the Cinderella Syndrome. Employees can suffer from this syndrome too as can adult children of aging parents. If you chronically feel under-appreciated (a maid living in the cinders) then you are definitely suffering from the Cinderella Syndrome.
So how do you recover from it? By stepping back and re-evaluating. If you are married or living with someone re-negotiate how your household will run and how chores and childcare will be shared. Take time to consider what your needs are and what you are willing to do. Know what changes will be necessary for you. Two healthy adults should share chores in a way that is mutual and comfortable for both over time. Even if one parent works at home, childcare and household chores are the responsibility of both parents.
If you are experiencing the Cinderella Syndrome in a relationship at work, or elsewhere in your life, the same process needs to happen. Evaluate what is comfortable for you. Then start with direct communication and negotiation including a time frame for change.
If things don’t change after awhile, then ultimately you need to consider if you want to participate in a relationship where your needs aren’t considered important. Protect yourself first. Get counseling. Learn coping skills. Healthy adult relationships require mutuality.
Lastly, if you are over functioning for other adults – stop. Adults do not take care of other adults, nor do they worry about the choices or decisions other adults make. This is true whether they are adult siblings, parents or adult children.
It’s possible that others will become upset or angry when you stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. On the other hand, we are not responsible for others’ feelings of anger nor can we bring their happiness. We can only be responsible for our own joy and happiness. Offer a relationship of mutuality to others instead. If they accept, wonderful. If not, that is their choice.
Our responsibility to ourselves is to act in a way that honors who we are. Seek to build healthy relationships of mutuality with everyone around you.
A life without worrying about other adults, with honest relationships of giving and receiving, while doing that which brings you happiness, is the way to grow peace in your heart and joy in your life.
In the end, living a Cinderella Syndrome life isn’t really living.
We often hear the term “live large.” But what does it mean to “live small”?
Professor Reginald Ray offers a good description in his book Indestructible Truth. In writing about motivation or the intention with which we pursue various activities in life he says:
“The small level of ordinary motivation refers to beings whose focus in life is on being happy and content within their one lifetime, trying to make themselves secure and comfortable. They seek a good family situation, health, an ample income, a fine dwelling, social status, and so on. They . . . are not concerned with what happened before . . . or what will happen later.” (Ray, 314)
It seems to me that to live a middle class lifestyle without any concern about how that lifestyle exploits or impoverishes others is truly a very small life. It is difficult to learn how many ordinary things we do affect others around the globe. But it is necessary in living an examined life.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
My one life is a very valuable gift. Living small devalues that gift.
Imagine taking a walk with God. This presentation will inspire and uplift you. God lives in the deepest part of our being. We can walk with God anytime we connect with our true self.
If you are interested in different ways of imagining God watch the film Quantum Activist with physicist Amit Goswami (Netflix Play Instantly), read John Haught’s 101 Questions On God and Evolution, the best selling novel The Shack or simply read the bible.
In the bible, God is portrayed as an architect and potter in Genesis, a cloud of smoke and a pillar of fire in Exodus, even a burning bush. In the gospels, Jesus uses over 39 images for God including God as a woman with a lost coin, God as water that sustains us, and God as a vine.
In her book Models of God, theologian Sallie McFague presents us with the rich images of God as a mother, a lover and a friend. These images place God directly into the deepest and most intimate relationships we will ever have. While these images may be new for some, they are actually quite old. She has pulled these images directly from the bible. In the Book of Hosea, God is described as our mother and as Job’s friend in the Book of Job. An entire book of the bible is devoted to describing God as a lover – the Song of Songs.
What are your images of God? What new ones could you add?
