Recently Diane Ackerman wrote an article for the New York Times entitled, “The Brain on Love.” Basically it notes that when individuals are in loving and stable relationships they tend to feel safe, secure, content and even blissful. Feeling loved, safe and secure allows us then, to engage the world and others in healthy and productive ways.
But what about people who have experienced a series of unhealthy realtionships? Maybe, even since childhood? The good news is that our brains are endlessly adaptive and we can rewire or change our neural pathways at any time. People may work do this, for example, when they enter therapy – as the article notes.
What the article doesn’t state – is that we don’t actually need to be in an intimate or married relationship with another person. We can meditate, enter long periods of silence and connect with that unconditional loving part of ourselves that exists deep within our own hearts.
The universe is holy and that holiness exists within us too. We carry it with us. Sometimes unhealthy relationships, work, addictions or busyness simply distract us from connecting with the love and beauty we carry inside ourselves.
This is why meditation, prayer (another word for meditation) and silence offer such an important place of healing. We can heal our distorted ways of viewing ourselves, relationships and reality around us.
Our brain seeks healthy love and compassion to heal itself – which paradoxically – exists within our brain. Meditate, use healthy self talk. Rewire your brain pathways – a little bit each day.
This article is about the high cost of leaving ultra-orthodox Judaism. It could have been entitled “The High Cost of Living.” My family of origin wasn’t from this religious tradition, but my experience of being pushed away was the same. Perhaps you have also experienced something similar in your life or know someone who has?
Ultimately we each must choose whether or not to live an authentic life – meaning who we really are on the inside matches how we live on the outside. Unfortunately, our call to live an authentic life and the expectations of our family or culture may be quite different.
To be “loved if” means there is a condition attached. We will be loved “if” we don’t rock the boat, “if” we don’t challenge the status quo, “if” we live a certain lifestyle. But the reality is that love has no conditions. Where there is a condition or “if” attached then it isn’t really love. Love means being accepted as we are for who we are – no exceptions.
Nevertheless, I may choose to not be around a parent or child while they are drinking or engaging in some other destructive behavior. But to reject the behavior is not to reject the person.
My family of origin operated under the “strict father” model. For myself and my siblings there was also the unspoken threat of being abandoned. It actually came true in my case. I really was cast out – while a minor, but imagine the devastating effects this would have had on my younger siblings who witnessed it.
What I remember growing up, is that it was impressed upon us that the most important virtue was obedience. Really? The most important virtue is obedience? When I became a parent I realized how strange this was! The virtues I wanted for my own children were honesty, kindness, generosity, curiosity and compassion. Only time will tell if my family will choose to adopt different values.
This article could also be entitled: The high cost of leaving “the Clan” or “the Tribe” – any tribe, family or group. Another title could be “the high cost of rejecting fideism” – external authority – in this case the authority of family.
Many Christians are unaware of the heresy of fideism. Fideism is a heresy defined as “blind obedience to any external authority.” Ultimately, as adults, the only authority we must follow – are truly obligated to follow – is God within the deepest interior of our own hearts. Any external authority, be it religious, governmental, parental or even medical, can never be the reason for making a decision. We have the responsibility and accountability as adults to learn all we can from those we trust. Then we must make our own decisions.
In healthy relationships participants are encouraging and supportive. There isn’t a demand to control or judge, rather a desire to stay connected. Healthy relationships involve mutual listening, offering support – but ultimately allowing other adults to make their own decisions. Then those decisions are respected. Is your family like this? If so, you’re lucky. If not, you may have to create a family of choice that can provide healthy support in your life.
In the article, those rejected by their families, experienced something different when they were embraced by others. What they found was that healthy, loving relationships do not judge, but want the best for us and that can only be determined by us. No one else can judge what is best for another adult, except that adult. Others who truly care about us know that being true to oneself may mean being flexible and moving into a new life.
Reality, life, God is compassionate. Every instance of suffering we encounter can be an opportunity for growth, transformation and new life. Sometimes being freed from the tethers of unhealthy relationships – or relationships that are toxic for us – allows us to fly.
Educator Parker Palmer’s new book Healing the Heart of Democracy, had this memorable paragraph on socializing only with one’s family or the resistance to developing friendships in the public sphere:
“It is worth noting that the word private comes from the Latin privare, the root that gives rise to the word deprived. How ironic that the private life so highly prized by Americans is a life that the ancients regarded as a form of deprivation for grown-ups. As my Manhattan cabbie said, ‘If you’re with the same kind of people all the time, it’s like wearing the same suit all time – you get sick of it.’ What could be more stupefying for fully functional adults than to have nothing but a private life where one continually sees the same people and recycles the same experiences, attitudes, and ideas? No wonder the Greek word for a strictly private person was idiots, from which we get the term idiot, meaning someone who says or does stupid things.” (emphasis author’s, 95)
The next time someone brags that they’re a “private person” or are too busy with their family activities remember this.
This is not a matter of being introverted or extroverted – or the ability to be comfortable with many people rather than one or two people at a time. Either way, we need a wide variety of rich relationships with others who are different from ourselves and our families in order to be more of who we are, healthy and whole.
Our culture lacks this which is why so many of us are xenophobic (fearful of strangers). It is also why we too often become drama-focused and narcissistic. Committed and ongoing friendship with those who are different brings social, psychological, physical and spiritual health.
Stretch beyond your comfort zone. Invite someone new for a cup of tea. Meet someone new for a walk. Join a discussion group or book club. Teach English as a second language. Expand your support network of friends over family. You will learn more about who you really are.
How we think about or respond to life, people, events and the world around us really does make a difference.
It’s not that life forms our character – rather it reveals it.
From Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditations (you can sign up for them here):
“. . . this message from an unknown source says it all:
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”
“Happiness isn’t a destination. It’s a way of living.”
This is so true. We can live with a victimhood mentality believing that life is something to be fearful of or avoiding risk at all costs.
Or we can live with a feeling of joy, contentment and happiness that comes from deep inside ourselves.
In either case, we can’t achieve true happiness by pursuing it directly. Happiness is actually a byproduct or result of the orientation we choose toward life, toward living. It is the result of focusing outwards, on others first. This is a risky way to live. But it is the only way to truly live.
Our deepest joy comes from doing what we love – to help others.
What is your orientation to life? Do you hesitate, resist and hold back? Do you immerse yourself in life and let it wash over you? Or do you have an altogether different orientation to living?
