by Roxanne -

Difficult People

Photo Minnesota Arboretum

Far too much drama is generated over what to do with difficult people we encounter in our lives. In the end it’s really quite simple: fill your life with wonderful people whom you love to be with and who love to be with you. To do anything less is to not value yourself or your life.

There will always be people for whom you feel neutral or those you dislike or who treat you badly. Minimize or eliminate contact with them. If you must work with them develop coping techniques for minimal contact. If they are “family” – I would beg to differ. “Family” is a category for those who cherish, love and care for you. Arbitrary genetic linkage isn’t automatic qualification for the designation of “family.”

“But,” parents often say, “I want my children to know their grandmother (grandfather, aunt, uncle, etc.).” Really? You want your children to spend time around someone who makes you anxious or worse, treats you badly? Rethink this parenting decision quickly. Instead, develop relationships with those you value and who value you, and by extension, will value your children and model healthy, mutual relationships for them. This is good parenting.

To be around people who are difficult will never contribute to your well being – physically or spiritually. Adding relationships of anxiety or hurtful comments & actions to your life will never bring us physical or spiritual health. Only health brings health.

Further, whether others are actually toxic or not is not the point. All that matters is if they are toxic for you. Insanely, sometimes we continue to return and drink the poison – wondering why the other person doesn’t “drop dead” or change 😉

“But what about forgiveness?” Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You can explain the problem or issue to the other person once. If they are willing to make changes, great. If not, reassess the value of this relationship. Forgiveness is what we do to heal ourselves. The other person needn’t even know we have embarked on the process of forgiving them. Truly, they may not even feel they need forgiving! But we don’t forget. We learn to accept the person for who they are, – as they are. If the way they are doesn’t add goodness or health to our lives, then we need to rethink the necessity of maintaining that relationship.

“To forgive is not to forget, but to remember in a different way – in a way that no longer holds us captive to the past.” (R. Schreiter, C.PP.S.)

Justice begins within.

You may also like Irish Heritage, Celebration of Family, and Spring Cleaning – Saucha.

(Originally published 4-24-11)

by Roxanne -

The Story of the Wolf

Photo Manataka.org

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on
inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

“Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

(Originally published 2-25-11)

by Roxanne -

Technology Changes Us

Technology brings much that is wonderful and good into our lives. However, used thoughtlessly, it can make us less than who we should be or less than who we are.

Social media formats such as FaceBook can help us stay connected and can be a way to develop richer and deeper relationships in real life — or, and this happens all too often — it can be a way to avoid deeper relationships or face to face encounters in real life. Social media and technology devices can make us more isolated and lonely – unable to enjoy solitude or deeper relationships. Connecting deeply with ourselves – enjoying solitude – and connecting deeply with others are both learned skills, afterall.

Sometimes I am asked why I have chosen to study for my Doctorate in Ministry rather than a Ph.D. This is why. Like a Master in Divinity, a Doctorate in Ministry develops the whole person including relationships, not just the mind. This is an important distinction.

We are who we are as persons because of the kind of relationships we have. We form our personhood with the depth and richness of healthy relationships we bring into our lives. On this website there are many posts about focusing on healthy relationships and minimizing unhealthy ones. There are many posts on examining genetic or “family” relationships to verify that they really are healthy and life giving.

Meanwhile, social media formats like FaceBook can all too easily minimize real connections with real people in real time. While this makes life easier, it also makes us feel less. Experiencing all of our feelings, both pleasurable and painful, is what makes us human. Developing the capacity for real joy means that the capacity for experiencing deeper pain emerges too. In the end, this is what makes us compassionate, gives us depth and helps us see reality as it actually is – rather than through the limited eyes of privilege.

To learn more, watch this enlightening, short TED video on what psychologist Sherry Turkle, who has studied the effects of social media, has to say here.

Once again, edit your life. Be thoughtful about the kind of social media and technology devices you use. Know why you use them. Monitor how they effect you and your relationships. Be prepared to make changes and eliminations if necessary.

You may also like InnerPeace – “Family Only” Idiocy, and The Dangers of Obedience and Compliance.


by Roxanne -

The Fourth Dimension

 

Photo NASA Photo Journal

We know what it means to see the world in two dimensions. The children’s book Flat Stanley and the 1884 story by Edwin Abbott, Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions help us to understand life in a two dimensional world. Of course we know what a three dimensional world is like because that is the reality we experience. But what does the fourth dimension look like? What about the fifth dimension? Step into another dimension and see what it’s like here. This is a fun link for school kids on winter break or parents who need a break from winter break 😉

Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attractions. Albert Einstein.

Originally published December, 2010.

by Roxanne -

Money Can Buy Happiness

Photo USMint.gov

Ever notice that when you buy something for someone else your feel much better than when you buy something for yourself? Michael Norton did and took a closer look:

At TEDxCambridge, Michael Norton shares fascinating research on how money can, indeed buy happiness — when you don’t spend it on yourself. Listen for surprising data on the many ways pro-social spending can benefit you, your work, and (of course) other people.

See for yourself what he found out in his TED Talk here. Spending money on ourselves merely serves to isolate us and doesn’t increase our happiness. The exception would be those who are self-centered narcissists, who will fail to see any value in this idea. But for the rest of us, spending money on others, any amount, causes a big increase in our own happiness. This is powerful.

Now imagine what this would mean not only for individuals, but for local government, public policy and corporations?

It doesn’t matter how you spend money on someone else – it only matters that you spend it on someone else. Why not be strategic and spend your money in a way that permanently improves the lives of others?

Become a friend of Mary’s Pence and automatically donate a monthly amount of your choice. Mary’s Pence ESPERA Funds create community lending pools that permanently improve the lives of women in an entire community.